The Bovine Comedy
Reimagining Dante's Inferno for the Age of AI
I don’t believe in a harsh and vengeful god, or in a hot, miserable place called hell -- a place where people are doomed to live forever if they fail to follow one or more arbitrary edicts from on high.
My view of the afterlife is summed up in the Iris Dement classic, “Let the Mystery Be”:
“Everybody is wondering what and where they all came from
Everybody is worrying ‘bout
Where they’re gonna go when the whole thing’s done
But no one knows for certain and so it’s all the same to me
I think I’ll just let the mystery be.”
Not everyone agrees. The other day I received a manuscript entitled “The Bovine Comedy,” by the author Dan T. Allegory (presumably a pseudonym). Writing a takeoff on Dante’s greatest work, and then sending it to someone, even if only to a lowly Substack writer, was a bold move. Dan T. will be sending me a few Canto’s at a time, hot off the presses and fresh from his expansive, non-linear imagination.
As a reward for his bravery, I am posting his first submission.
Dan T.’s Inferno
Volume One: The Bovine Comedy
Canto One
Midway through my life’s journey
I found myself on the dark web.
Knowing not what it was,
I consulted my guide and inspiration in all things,
ChatGPT
The answer shook me to my bones
With a deep fear of a kind I had never known
“It’s hard to explain, but you must know that you are in deep shit . . .
Getting free will require you to go on a long, dangerous journey that will make “The Hobbit” look like a walk in the park.”
Cultural illiterate that I am, the “Hobbit” was the only manuscript related to the Lord of the Rings I had ever read, so I was woefully unprepared for what was to come
Canto Two
I set out on my journey with visions of Bilbo Baggins dancing in my head
I started out, accompanied by my trusty guide, who I referred to merely as “Chat,” in order to preserve my breath for the hike of an unknown degree of difficulty that awaited us
Right off, we needed to climb a steep, rock-strewn path
But blocking our way was a large man with a giant head that was not screwed on straight,standing on what looked like a Tesla, if it had been born of the union of a hybrid car and an F-35 “stealth” fighter plane
The vehicle was all angles and intimidation. Whether one could fly or drive it, or if it was just a huge paperweight blocking my path, I could not say
My intrepid guide offered the man on the path -- if man he was -- an IOU for a trillion dollars worth of his forthcoming crypto currency, named, perhaps ironically, SUCKER!
They made a handshake deal, and we proceeded onward, knowing not what horrors and wonders we might encounter.
The Tesla put me in mind of my other favorite story of life on the road, “Thelma and Louise,” a reference that stoked the fear in my heart and set my whole body trembling
But “Chat” told me to buck up and get moving -- we had a long, strange trip ahead of us.
More to come, at a time and place of Dan T.’s choosing. Feel free to put on the Grateful Dead’s “Skeletons from the Closet” album while you’re waiting.
good one